April 1, 2017

In case you missed it: Passive House is Dead (Our April Fools’ Day Post)

The official plaque of the Perfect Building is a piece of reclaimed wood, with live words growing in a mix of moss and lichen. The moss will continue to grow, change, and age along with the building.

The official plaque of the Perfect Building is a piece of reclaimed wood, with live words growing in a mix of moss and lichen. The moss will continue to grow, change, and age along with the building.

475 forms The Best Practices Institute© & The Perfect Building Standard™

This is a moment of mixed emotion at 475.   We are sad to witness the death of Passive House but excited to steal its best aspects and make our own proprietary standard – The Perfect Building™, administered by our very own Best Practices Institute©.

The Best Practices Institute© is a paradigm shift in the QA/QC delivery of integrated optimization.  The Declare Label is obsolete, all natural batt and board insulations are antique, state-of-the-art high-efficiency heat recovery ventilation systems are useless, and careful energy optimization is ridiculous.  Today, a new generation of consumers simply demand: “It just has to be perfect!”.   We heard the sorrowful cries and are responding.

But you ask, wasn’t Passive House perfect enough?   After all, didn’t many people think it was too rigorous?   The Pretty Good House made some pretty good houses – but really, do you strive to send your children to a pretty good doctor or a  pretty good school?   That wasn’t the answer. But still, was it too rigorous?  Doubters proclaimed that the airtightness was just too difficult, the components too expensive, industry untrainable.  Passive House, they said, can’t compete!

NZ

Elrond’s last know location

WRONG!  We know it was the lack of rigor that killed it.   Others were on the case.  Named “The Elrond Standard” by Lloyd Alter after its originator Elrond Burrell, this new standard clearly demonstrated that Passive House had its limitations.  What else was needed?   According to Elrond, (who, it should be noted, went into hiding in the southern hemisphere around the time of publication of his new standard), the building must also be made from low-embodied energy materials, non-toxic materials and be located in a walkable neighborhood.  Damn, that’s good.

But we soon realized that it wasn’t perfect.  In our local Brooklyn dialect our customers would clarify: “My building just needs to be f#cking perfect, a##holes!”   Clearly Passive House’s days were numbered. So, in a way that would make New York’s leading citizen proud, we acted:  nimbly, perhaps criminally, opportunistically and certainly remorselessly – and we founded The Best Practices Institute©, that ensures every building will be a Perfect Building™.

Yet in formulating the The Best Practices Institute©, and the Perfect Building Standard™, we sought not to simply be additive, but instead be as destructive as possible.  Genius!  We stepped back to a pre-Hegelian state, then deconstructed the stuffing out of it – allowing us to subsequently reveal that a post-structuralist  potential is possible – positing perfection.  The Best Practices Institute© had its Mojo and it is executed based on the simplicity of  ingredients and process.

beard shaving

Beard Insulation™ is a critical Perfect House™ component

There are only a few basic ingredients:

  • Pure materials that are readily & naturally regenerative; are carbon negative, produce zero waste and have no side-effects. An example is Beard Insulation™ – sourced from consenting trustafarians in East Bushwick, preferably shorn with an ax.
  • The airtightness is absolute – allowing locations anywhere. We aim for 0.0 ACH1000.  The airtightness must be such that if the house can double as spacecraft, enabling interplanetary applicability of the Perfect Building Standard™.
  • Construction by hand-tools and PETA regulated animal “helpers” – think of nonsensical idealized images of “simpler times” – where construction sites are ideally indistinguishable from the Little House on the Prairie or maybe The Simple Life.
  • Lighting is from the glow of wholesomeness – like a mood ring.
  • Fresh air is from the winds of good fortune with neutrino level filtration, nuclear scrubbers and biodefense modes – making every breath of fresh air feel as good double-mint spearmint gum.
  • Energy for tools and appliances come from contagious happiness – captured in the silicon-air batteries that are truly and endlessly regenerative.
  • Transport of materials and occupants is by indigenous artisan, certified humane shoes – or through beaming dematerialization, like in Star Trek.
  • It’s sublime beauty is only comparable to the likes of Mount Kilimanjaro, Beethoven’s Symphonies or a giant Redwood forest.
The happy home owner approaches the Perfect Building Standard home. It has been disguised to perfectly blend in to its natural surroundings.

The happy home owner approaches the Perfect Building Standard™ home – disguised to perfectly blend in to its natural surroundings.

The process is even more simple.  Just take these ingredients and put them into our recalibrated HAL 9000.1,  (patent#004.7549743475434799743) and what comes out is The Perfect Building™, built perfectly!  And unlike the Passive House Institute, or for that matter, the USGBC, BREEAM, Living Future Institute, International WELL Building Institute, Norwegian Powerhouse, EnergyStar, R2000, Greenglobes, NAHB, Watersense, FSC, SFI, Greenguard, HPD, PHIUS+, Edge, Active house, Passivesolar, NZEB, Sentinelhaus, MinergieP, Darksky  – The Best Practices Institute© reserves the right to randomly change certification criteria depending on how much we like you.  So be nice!

Realizing one’s full potential in a Perfect Building™ is not just possible – it’s inevitable.  Immortality may also result from living in a Perfect Building™.  To start your next Perfect Building™, please transfer $4.75M to our ANZ Banking Group Cook Islands account #15-120-0.6. The planet and your children’s children will be grateful. Thank you.

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3 Responses to In case you missed it: Passive House is Dead (Our April Fools’ Day Post)

  1. Brandon Nicholson April 1, 2017 at 1:42 pm #

    Awesome Ken and crew. You final found a way to get past all the politics and procrastination. Love you new standard. Sign us up. And for a mere $4.75M!

    • Ken April 2, 2017 at 5:36 am #

      Thank you, Brandon – we look forward to the deposits rolling in! Perfection is priceless.

  2. Adam Cohen April 2, 2017 at 12:44 pm #

    Dateline: April 1, 2017 – Trump Resigns

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