FOR IMMEDIATE RELEASE
NOTE: This is a humorous post issued on April Fools’ Day. We hope you enjoy it!
The 475 governing board, after careful deliberation, has determined that the company’s efforts to enable high-performance, sustainable, Passive House buildings has fallen far short of investor expectations. The principle culprits identified are the misguided “Foam Fails” campaign and their declaration regarding spray foam that “Less is Best“. Consequently, to spur revenue growth, 475 will now promote the use of open and closed cell spray foam.
The announcement was made by 475 COO, Ken Levenson, outside its Brooklyn headquarters.
“Spray polyurethane foam insulation is well respected across the construction industry. We found ourselves asking; Who are we to question conventional wisdom?” Levenson explained.
Contrary to previous claims by 475 stating that spray foam is full of dangerous toxic ingredients and is defined by the insurance industry as pollution and solid gasoline, the company will now proudly proclaim that spray foam is a sustainable and healthy solution in making high performance buildings. “Sure spray foam isn’t natural – but it couldn’t be made without nature.” Levenson emptily noted.
The challenge of delivering reliable performance is another key consideration for the change. “Shouldn’t we make our performance goals more of a challenge, make ourselves really work at it? Let’s face it, membranes, tapes and fibrous insulations are for girlie-men. It’s too easy. Give us two 50 gallon barrels of volatile chemicals that need to be carefully climate controlled, with pressure gauges and sensitive operating equipment that needs regular calibration on a messy construction site in rough weather. Now if that poorly trained and underpaid worker sweating it out in a full body hazmat suit and respirator can deliver an uncompromised installation – that’s money well earned. If not – who’s gonna know?” Levenson defensively boasted.
And when things do go awry – “It’s just some fishy smell, what’s the big deal? It’s no indication that the chemicals didn’t completely cure and that the amine-based compound is off-gassing and possibly harming your family with headaches, nausea, faintness, facial edema…and on and on. It’s just fish! We get fish at the deli and have it on a toasted bagel – what’s the problem!” Levenson magically reasoned.
Another priority of the 475 revamping, is to embrace the plastic future. “The old guy in “The Graduate” was right. The future is plastics – it’s everywhere, even in the middle of our oceans. It’s done. The problem isn’t too much plastic, it’s not enough. Less isn’t best. Less sucks. Greenpeace sucks. The plastics pyramid is bullshit. Triple bag my groceries – let’s make some money!” Levenson churlishly exclaimed.
“We like products that manufacturers don’t stand behind. If the manufacturers back you up, what’s that? We’re from Brooklyn – fugetaboutit. We prefer to stand alone.” Levenson then incoherently declared.
“Everyone blames the foam, but it’s not the foams fault – it’s the installers fault. I’ve read that in JLC and on GreenBuildingAdvisor. We ask; Is it the gun’s fault? Is it the crack’s fault? We say no! We say spray foam, guns and crack belong in every home!” Levenson howled ecstatically while jumping into the nearby Gowanus Canal.
For 475, the game is on!